I'm a Hardened Criminal

The saturday after my dad's funeral I was sitting talking to a friend. I was explaining how I was just so angry. I just wanted to hit something, punch something, anything to release some of my anger. Little did I know a little mousey was lurking in the background listening to what I was saying. Later that day my cousin Melissa asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with her. My response was no. She said that she needed to show me something. Well my mind started spinning. What could she possibly show me in Clinton that I had not seen in my 30 plus years?! I agreed to go and so we set out to some unknown destination. We ended up at a ballpark. My other cousin Robin (Melissa's sister) was already in the parking lot waiting. What in the world did they have up their sleeves? So the next logical thing to do...blindfold me. Of course! Now I'm starting to fret just a bit. They led me thru the field or so I assumed. After walking what seemed like 10 mins. (apparently when I'm blindfolded I lose my sense of time) they put a ball bat in my hand and told me to swing. Really! Seriously! Alrighty then, I'll swing. I did...and nothing, just air. "Swing again" they yelled. Alright. So I swung as hard as I could. Crack! I had made contact with something. Well the blindfold was coming off, I had to see what I was aiming at. When I took it off there in front of me was a bleacher and lined up on it was drinking glasses. Different shapes, different heights, different sizes all there for me to demolish. Well I laid into them. Wham! Bam! Crack! I had no mercy. It was invigorating! I could just hear my dad rooting me on, "Come on babe, smash those things, aww a little girl could swing harder than that." I smashed and swung and smashed and swung until.... the po-po showed up. Thats right, the law had been called. Near the ballfield are some apartments, the majority of the occupants are...old. Someone made a phone call stating that some people (not sure if our gender was specified) were tearing up the bleachers. The officer that was sent of the scene of the "crime" had experienced a similar situation as myself. His response once he had be told the reason for the destruction was "carry on." We were responsible citizens and cleaned up all the pieces of glass, which took awhile but was so worth every piece. I realized that I have people in my life that care so much about me and me hurt. I also realized that I have many people watching me, seeing how I am going to respond to this tradegy. I pray that through my journey of hurt, pain, sorrow, yet survival that God's glory will shine through me so much so that people will have to take notice that its only God that could be doing this. I hope I rise to the challenge God has laid out before me. I do not know what it is yet and I may never truly understand but I hope and pray that I'm a willing participator. I know its not going to be easy maybe not even fun at times but I do know that God is with me always because the Bible tells me so. That little childs song has never rang more true.  Psalm 34:18 tells us that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I know this is true because I have been brokenhearted for 3 weeks now yet I know that God has had His comforting arms wrapped around me the entire time. Thats not to say I don't ache with pain, cry tears of sadness, and question why but I know God can and will handle it all. Even me becoming a criminal :)

What Fuels Me

What has fueled me to start a blog? Well aside from all the NOS drinks :) I've had some dramatic changes in my life to occur in less than a year. I have said for years that I wanted to start a blog but never did. I did not feel that I could express myself with words well enough to make someone, anyone interested in what as on my mind. But like I said life changed for me on January 5, 2011.

Let me back up just a bit though. On May 7th, 2010 my life changed for the better. My husband and I welcomed our precious baby boy Kai Andrew Paul into this wild and crazy world. I quickly realized that I was no longer Summer, I was Kai's mama. I loved this squirmy bundle of bliss but at times I would be screaming on the inside. I was screaming "Lord what was you thinking, giving me this child, this responsibility!" And mind you, Kai was and is an easy going baby. But as with all things after I calmed down and listened to a voice of reason (usually my husband's) I realized I was pretty decent at this mothering thing. I mean, I had only forgot him once so far.....kidding. I wanted to start blogging once I had Kai. I wanted to let him know how much we loved him, how much our lives had changed but yet again I had excuse after excuse not to start. Well January 5, 2011 happened and I no longer had an excuse not to, all I could think was I've got to get things wrote down.

On Jan. 5 I lost my dad, Randy Campbell. Thats it, thats the only way I know how to start this paragraph. Thats how I felt; just a statement, that was there, left hanging in the air. I could not process what I was being told, what I was living. I was in someone else's nightmare and any minute I was going to wake up. That did not happen, that still has not happen. Its my nightmare and I'm having to live it.  I am heartbroken. I am empty. I am done. So this is how and why I am now blogging. To help me deal with my loss, to get my feelings out or else I will explode but most importantly to let my baby Kai know what his Grand was all about, to let him know how much his Grand loved him and just how much his Grand was and is loved.

There will be posts about other aspects of our lives but for now, this is my life. As sad and as hard as it is for me, its my life. I've got to accept it, learn from it, grow and help others, maybe, hopefully. One of my favorite qoutes: "Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen. Do not be afraid." Thats what I got to keep telling myself, do not be afraid.