I have a new BFF

Oh yes my friends I have a new bff. Ok well not really (oh and for those who are not aware bff is best friend forever), this new bff is more of an uninvited guest. You know the one, the one that just will not go away no matter how mean you are or nice for that matter, the guest just will not leave. My rude and uninvited guest is...grief. Grief has taken me on an unplanned journey and for those of you who know me I like plans. I like to know whats ahead, whats going on, well that is so not the case w/grief. This journey is the hardest trip I have ever been on. I'm exhausted. I want to exit the highway of grief, to leave it in the dust but I cannot do that. As much as I dislike my journey w/my uninvited guest I must complete it. There is no shortcut, or bypass, or plane ticket to get me there faster. Its over and under and through the thick foggy forest. What is it like living with grief? Let me try to explain what its like for me. From the moment I wake up grief is there with me. I am still in a state of disbelief, sadness, worry, hurt and brokenheartedness. The best description I can come up with for my grief is sensory overload. We're all familiar with the 5 senses: sight, hear, touch, smell and taste. I am overwhelmed by these, let me explain.
Smell- I never again will be able to smell my dad's workclothes. As a child I would open his closet & just take deep breaths. It was a mixture of oil, sweat and machinery ( I know, weird but I loved that smell). My dad never really sweated alot. I believe I got his sweat glands plus my own! So now every chance I get I breathe in Kai's smell and try to remember it. Never again will I smell him and the outside on him, here on earth.
Sight- "I see a pair of pretty blue eyes. What do you see?"My dad and I use to play this made up game. We would hold heads together, foreheads touching, look into each other's eyes and repeat the previous statement. This could go on for only a second or a few minutes. Never will I get to see those pretty blue eyes here on earth.
Hear- I'll never hear my dad's voice. He had a saying for almost any situation in life. Coming in the door was an event, when he sneezed he had a saying, he had a special saying to Kai. Never again will I hear "Sweetface," here on earth.
Taste- My dad could not cook. This might be a good thing to never have to endure again! :) Growing up I love to eat bologna. So naturally my dad & I had the "bologna dance." Whenever either one of us wanted a piece of bologna we would have to do the bologna dance. Now, this could consist of any kind of movement we were feeling at the time. As adult I no long like bologna but I'd eat entire case to be able to do the bologna dance with him one more time, here on earth.
Touch- This is probably the hardest. I know it is for my mom. Never again will I get to feel his lips kiss the top of my head or have his arms wrapped around me or have him come at me with "his 2 ton, 22 ton tickle tranchulas," (another game we had when I was growing up). Its heartbreaking to know that my child will never know his touch here on earth.
With all of that said grief for me is sensory overload which equals a maddening experience. I sometimes feel like I'm in a movie and everything around is moving. I'm standing completely still but all of my surroundings are moving and they begin to move faster and faster and faster. I have to take a minute and realize that I'm still suppose to be apart of that movement. That even though grief is an annoying uninvited guest its not me. It doesn't get to consume me. That I will take control and become a willing participate in life again. Its just here for a little while. How long? I wish I knew.
During one of our griefshare meetings we were given a pipe cleaner and told to shape it into what our grief feels like or looks like. During this session we were told if we're really struggling we need to go to the 3 S's. The Spirit (pray), the Source (bible), and the Saints (mentors). My mom shaped her pipe cleaner into a roller coaster. It had ups and downs. As she was sitting there looking at it and we were being encouraged to share what ours looked like and why, she noticed that her roller coaster looked like 3 S's. I firmly believe that was one of God's gentle nudges, letting my mom know "Hey I'm here and I haven't forgotten about you." My pipe cleaner looked a bit different. I first tied knots into mine. After that I shaped it into a heart. Since I could not break it I just took it into my hand and crumpled it up.
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:9

                                                              My mom's roller coaster of "S's"

                                                               My knotted balled up heart

What the world needs now, is love sweet love

How do I celebrate a day that recognizes love when my heart is broken? Well its tough but its been possible. I think about the wonderful husband that God gave me. That he allowed this man to look past my faults (although there are not many, hehe) & love me with  incredible passion. Andy can make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He is very affectionate. God knows I need someone like him as a husband so that I can learn to express my love & not care who knows it. I also think about the blessing of my baby boy, Kai. God knew that we would him and his sweet disposition in these trying months. He has been a comforting reminder that love is still around me. That although a piece of my heart is missing, a huge piece is wrapped up in Kai's smile. I think about my mom. A mother's love is unconditional. She loved me when I know I was a hard person to love (way back to those teenage years and maybe a few beyond :) God has surrounded me with loving friends & family. This has never been more evident than in the past 6 weeks. Their kindness and love have at times lifted me out of the pit. But again the question still remains, how can I possible celebrate love with a broken heart? GOD. I know God, my Heavenly Father loves me. As much as my earthly father loved me (and I know that was alot) it doesn't even compare to the love God has for me. Have you thought about how much God loves you? Its very easy to take the simple things, simple joys/pleasures in life for granted. We may even get to a point where we expect these things but what if you didn't have them. Take time to recognize your blessings. I know I need to. What's the greatest expresssion of love that God gave every one of us? Jesus. The great I AM loves us all so much that He gave His one and only Son. Now thats love. True love. God knew I would need a passionate & supportive husband. God knew I would need a son to comfort me. God knew that my mom would be my greatest earthly stronghold of faith & I would need that faith to help me. God knew that one day my dad would leave this earth & I would need all of these thing that He has supplied me with. Why? Because He loves me that much. He made sure I would have the love I needed for these tough days. In the book Crazy Love a elderly lady is quoted saying "I love love." Do I love love? Do I express God's love through my actions, my words, my thoughts. Sadly no, not always. Do you? God is love. He even wrote us love letters. In those letters He never promised me an easy life althoug He does promise to walk beside me. To hold me. To carry me. To love me. During this painful time in my life it is sometimes hard for me to feel God's love. But that is just a feeling. What I feel and what I know are 2 different things. Remember that God does love you. He cares deeply for all of us. No matter what we've done, what we've said or what we've thought God's love remains unconditional. So on this day of love I hope that I will remember to love my neighbor as myself b/c God sure does.
Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. Psalm 63:3.

Grand Man, Grand Canyon, & the Grand Finale

Its not surprising that my dad finally chose the name Grand for Kai to call him. We had started calling him Papa Name Change b/c every few days since Kai was born  he would hold up his finger & would announce "Name Change, Name Change." It started off as Opa but a younger cousin heard him say this and repeated what he thought he heard which was "Oprah," well needless to say that name got nixed right then and there. There were so many name changes I couldn't keep up; Papa Ug (we'll discuss that name at a later time), Pappy, Pop, so on & so forth. Finally around Nov. he announced w/his index finger raised "Name Change, Name Change, I want to be called 'Grand Man'." I liked it, he liked it, it stuck, very fitting. He had a grand presence. Not necessarily the loudest in the room or even the center of attention (although he was alot of the times) but just a presence that was, well...grand.

It was a dream of Grand's to see the Grand Canyon. When I was around junior high school age my dad hung a huge map of the United States on the wall in our den. Now if any of you know my mother this did not sit well w/her. This atrocious map was wreaking havoc on her decor. There are some things my mom prides herself on. 1. Never being seen w/o make-up on and 2. Having a place for everything in her house. So you can imagine that giant pastel colored paper map hanging on her wall was not well received. However, she allowed it to stay, maybe b/c she knew just how much my dad wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Over the course of the next few years my dad would find out about some off the beaten path location that we were just going to have to stop and see on our way to the Grand Canyon. He would add a push pin to the map. Before long there was more push pins than there are states. That became an adventure in itself. Unfortunately that trip never happened, finances, timing, nothing worked out so instead we would just take our annual family vacation to Myrtle Beach (which in no way I'm complaining about).  After retiring Grand took a part time job driving for a company that made express deliveries. I do believe this was his dream job. He actually said it wasn't a job b/c jobs are no fun. This was him having fun. He got to travel the states while getting paid.  Him and his brother (Uncle Corky) would do team runs every now & then.  Some of their adventures lead them to Niagara Falls, Canada, Oregon (they kissed the ground when they returned from this one),  the Rio Grande (which my dad was disappointed in), NYC & many more but never near the Grand Canyon, until Dec. 2010. Him & Uncle Corky got a call saying some tires needed to be delivered asap to...Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas! So they headed out. I remember very distinctively calling him and saying "Where you at?"
His reply " On the way to Las Vegas."
Me: "Huh? The real Las Vegas?!"
Him: " Is there a fake one I don't know about. Yes, Sweetface The Real Las Vegas."
Me: "Ok have fun. Don't gamble my inheritence away."
Him: "Well ok, I guess I won't."
I believe he ended up spending $36.00, there went my inheritence. :) Well being the adventurers they are, they figured since they're this close they should head over to the Grand Canyon.  Who knows if they'll ever be that close again. Pretty amazing, from what I was told.  I remember while he was on his trip my phone rang and his name showed up on the screen. I was in the middle of feeding/trying to get Kai to sleep so I just let it go to voicemail. Later when I listened to the message I could hear the excitement in his voice. He said "Hey Sweetface, its Me, Dad and I'm at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Kiss, Love, Hug." Oh how I wish I would have saved that message. Once my dad was in the hospital he told the doctor  "Doc, theres 2 things everyone should do w/their lives. Number 1 give their heart's to Jesus and Number 2 go see the Grand Canyon." Well my dad achieved both! I couldn't be more happy. He finally got to see one of God's greastest creations and now he is dwelling IN God's greastest creation WITH God's greatest creation, Jesus Christ. The following pictures were taken by my dad on his trip to the Grand Canyon.

                                                      My beloved Daddy

                                                             My daddy and his brother Corky

Gentle Nods & Smiles

Exactly 4 weeks ago I lost my dad. I awoke and did what I do every wednesday, got ready for work. Once I was up and semi-awake I kept repeating "joy will come in the morning, joy will come in the morning." One reason that this verse was so heavily in mind is b/c last night my mom and I started attending a support group. Its called Griefshare and although I've only been once I highly recommend it for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. We have  videos we watch, a workbook, and discussion. Before I attended I was cautioned by some that sometimes those sort of meetings can be downers. A group of people sitting around talking about how they feel & feeding off of each other's grief. This is nothing like that, its very structured & bibically based. The title of the entire experience is "A Journey from Mourning to Joy." Therefore the Psalm 30:5 kept playing over & over in my head. Now back to my morning. I stepped outside a little before 7am. It had rained the night before & I thought it was to rain all day as well. The very second & I mean the very second I stepped out my front door I immediately looked up to the sky. I could see the gray rain clouds still in the sky but just left to me, in the sky was a break & I could see light. Not exactly the sun but I knew from that small glimmer of light the sun was going to shine today. The clouds were continously moving, their presence still very much there but nevertheless slowly moving out of the way & allowing me to see some shine. Before I could even make it to my car I was praising God for that gentle comfort. That small nod & smile from Him to me. He simply said to me "I care, your joy will come, I promise." Now I realize that rain clouds moving out are a very common occurance but I also firmly believe that God uses ordinary every day occurances to get our attention. We just have to be ready & willing to see them. So pay attention, folks! The clouds have to eventually make way for the sun to be seen. For the sun is ALWAYS there, sometimes the clouds cover it but it is always there. Just like our Jesus the Son is ALWAYS there but sometimes our clouds of life, of grief cover Him.  Does this mean my joy has been restored? Absolutely not. I have already cried today just thinking of my dad not being here but  without a shadow of a doubt believe my joy and my mom's joy will return. He told me it would! "The Lord will do great things for me & I will be filled w/joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap w/ songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return w/ songs of joy, carry sheaves w/ me." Psalm 126: 3,5-6. Take my tears Lord & sow the seeds of Your Glory. Even in the midst of my pain I pray I will continue to believe in Your promises b/c I know You will restore my joy. Let my suffering not be in vain. Amen.