Smell- I never again will be able to smell my dad's workclothes. As a child I would open his closet & just take deep breaths. It was a mixture of oil, sweat and machinery ( I know, weird but I loved that smell). My dad never really sweated alot. I believe I got his sweat glands plus my own! So now every chance I get I breathe in Kai's smell and try to remember it. Never again will I smell him and the outside on him, here on earth.
Sight- "I see a pair of pretty blue eyes. What do you see?"My dad and I use to play this made up game. We would hold heads together, foreheads touching, look into each other's eyes and repeat the previous statement. This could go on for only a second or a few minutes. Never will I get to see those pretty blue eyes here on earth.
Hear- I'll never hear my dad's voice. He had a saying for almost any situation in life. Coming in the door was an event, when he sneezed he had a saying, he had a special saying to Kai. Never again will I hear "Sweetface," here on earth.
Taste- My dad could not cook. This might be a good thing to never have to endure again! :) Growing up I love to eat bologna. So naturally my dad & I had the "bologna dance." Whenever either one of us wanted a piece of bologna we would have to do the bologna dance. Now, this could consist of any kind of movement we were feeling at the time. As adult I no long like bologna but I'd eat entire case to be able to do the bologna dance with him one more time, here on earth.
Touch- This is probably the hardest. I know it is for my mom. Never again will I get to feel his lips kiss the top of my head or have his arms wrapped around me or have him come at me with "his 2 ton, 22 ton tickle tranchulas," (another game we had when I was growing up). Its heartbreaking to know that my child will never know his touch here on earth.
With all of that said grief for me is sensory overload which equals a maddening experience. I sometimes feel like I'm in a movie and everything around is moving. I'm standing completely still but all of my surroundings are moving and they begin to move faster and faster and faster. I have to take a minute and realize that I'm still suppose to be apart of that movement. That even though grief is an annoying uninvited guest its not me. It doesn't get to consume me. That I will take control and become a willing participate in life again. Its just here for a little while. How long? I wish I knew.
During one of our griefshare meetings we were given a pipe cleaner and told to shape it into what our grief feels like or looks like. During this session we were told if we're really struggling we need to go to the 3 S's. The Spirit (pray), the Source (bible), and the Saints (mentors). My mom shaped her pipe cleaner into a roller coaster. It had ups and downs. As she was sitting there looking at it and we were being encouraged to share what ours looked like and why, she noticed that her roller coaster looked like 3 S's. I firmly believe that was one of God's gentle nudges, letting my mom know "Hey I'm here and I haven't forgotten about you." My pipe cleaner looked a bit different. I first tied knots into mine. After that I shaped it into a heart. Since I could not break it I just took it into my hand and crumpled it up.
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:9
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