Moving On

I can't take credit for this. It was one of my daily emails for the day and it couldn't have come at a better time. God is perfect.



Moving on does not mean . . .


• you forget the person.

• you never feel the pain of your loss.

• you believe that life is fair.



Moving on does mean . . .

• you experience a lessening of the pain.

• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.

• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.

• you can form new relationships, try new things.



Moving on also means . . .

• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.

• you accept your loss and forgive others.

• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.

• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.



"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be

complete" (John 15:11).



Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I

cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours.

Amen.

ONE is so FUN!

I am a little behind posting about my baby boy turning one. On May 7th our sweet Kai turned one year old. My my how time flies. I've  had a chance to think about how much things have changed since we brought him home. Just a few are: you really can function on about 3 hours of sleep, you may not want to but you can, when I hear silence I know I'm about to walk up on something I probably don't want to (examples include car keys in Chloe's water bowl, a entire roll of toilet paper unrolled, a bag of potato chips dumped out & crunched on, books with pages ripped out, the list could continue but I will stop here), the simple act of a loved one coming thru the door should be celebrated, one button on a toy can bring many smiles, goldfish are the answer to most tears,  2 little feet can be pretty quick when they want to be, 2 arms are never enough, sitting in a chair holding my baby as he sleeps can make me one happy woman, who knew! In one year I have learned alot, Kai my buddy you are a terrific teacher. I have learned that someone will love me unconditional, not wanting a thing in return but my love and I in return now know how to love unconditionally in return. I have learned that simple things can be intriguing. Who knew a paper towel roll held the key to another world or a  leaf on the ground could turn someone's tickle box upside down or that wearing food can be fun and not the end of the world. Thank you Kai for  making  me see that the world can be simple and that I should slow down and admire those simple joys. Children really are a gift from the Lord and we as parents should be honored to have been given the opportunity by our loving Father to shape these creatures into God loving worshipers. I know I'll never be able to understand just how much my Heavenly Father loves me but if loving my own is the slightest indication then I know we are indeed blessed and favored. 

The following video is JJ Heller singing her song "When I'm with you." I love this song. I had intended to have a slideshow of Kai's 1st year played at his party with this song but I could not burn a dvd from my computer. Note to self: do not wait until the 11th hour to try to do something you're not sure about. I cannot get the slideshow to play the music on my blog so I am just going to show the video of the singer. She explains that she wrote the song for her daughter. It has beautiful words and I dedicate this song to my love, Kai.

Dear Bride to Be

Saturday June 11 would have been my parent's 44th wedding anniversary. Its a celebration of sorts. One reason for a celebration is the fact that 2 people stayed married (& in love) for that long. These days people change spouses like they change underwear so to see my parents still have the "hots" for each other after so long was refreshing, gross :) but refreshing. Obviously its hard to celebrate though when one half of the whole is gone. My mom still very much hurts and misses dad.
Just two days ago a friend of mine called me and wanted to know if I knew how to find the poem Andy and I had read at our wedding in fact this friend is the one who read the poem at our wedding. I thought oh my goodness I'm not sure I know where it is but I'll try to find it. Well the the next day I pulled down all my wedding stuff, you know the stuff that means absolutely nothing to anyone else but for some reason it means the world to you (i.e. the calendar leading up to our wedding, normally I throw everything out but I can't part ways with this, or a silly napkin) so anyway I started going through the box and sure enough there was the poem. I don't believe its any coincidence that I was asked to find this poem at this point in our grief. Its amazing to me how God orchestrates every little detail and cares enough to do this. The poem is so fitting for my mom right now with their 44th anniversary approaching yet the 1st without my dad. I wanted to do something special with my mom on saturday but God had a better idea. Sure my mom would love to spend the day with me but seeing and reading this poem will mean more.
                                                         Dear Bride to Be
                                            Come to me, dear bride to be
                                            and kneel before my throne,
                                            And I will share my heart with you
                                            and make your house a home.

                                            Listen well, lean closely
                                            there are secrets at my feet,
                                            The marriage you will soon begin
                                            this bridegroom will complete.

                                            The man with whom you journey
                                             is your wedding gift from me,
                                            To teach you things beyond this world,
                                            a precious mystery.

                                            And if you'll bear these things in mind,
                                            you'll always have great wealth,
                                            For through your union I will choose
                                            to teach you of myself.

                                            Let him hold you tightly
                                            and keep you safe from harm,
                                            Until I'll one day hold you
                                            in my everlasting arms.

                                            Let him wipe your tears away
                                            and trust him with your pain,
                                            Until I'll wipe them all away
                                            and Heaven is your gain.

                                            Pray to love his gentle touch
                                            and want his gentle kiss,
                                            I grant you both my blessing
                                            and ask you not to miss

                                           The reason why I've chosen
                                            for two halves to become one,
                                           That you might see the Bride of Christ
                                           sweet daughter and dear son.

                                          So make his home a refuge
                                          he's to love you as I do,
                                          Until your mansion is complete
                                          a place prepared for you.

                                         And, if I should choose to leave you here
                                         when I've called him home,
                                         Trust Me,
                                         I'll be your husband here,
                                         you'll never be alone.

God has always been my mom's groom, he's my groom but it seems more evident now than ever before. Although these are not God's direct words I do believe they are God inspired and meant for special moments such as our wedding and now for a 44th anniversary where one half is now in His everlasting arms. Rest assure mom, God honored your marriage to my dad and He will continue to honor that marriage until the whole is together again. I love you Mama.

Mr. Hale turns 30

Mr. Hale is 30, finally. I was starting to get lonely. My honey turned 30 on April 23rd. As one of his gifts I made a book for him on shutterfly.com (I love this site), anyway the book is titled "Reasons why I love you." I have pictures of Andy throughout the book and give numerous reasons of why I do love my husband. I was going to share some of those reasons on here but I never could quite write the blog. I don't know why but I was having trouble writing it in a form that wasn't too mushy (see I can be cheesy with just him but knowing others would be reading it was troubling me). Just listing the reasons on here why I love him was not quite conveying the feelings I want to get across. So I wrote, erased, wrote, erased and then last friday happened. I now know why I was not suppose to write this blog before friday. Late friday afternoon we received a package in the mail. It was my mother's day gift. Andy got the package before I saw it (even though I was at home) and took it to the back to open it. When he emerged he asked me if I wanted it then. Well of course! I actually said "its up to you." I could tell he was bursting to give it to me and so he did. Oh before I forget I asked for my kitchen to be painted as my mother's day gift. To my utter surprise he had made me a book on shutterfly. I knew I was gonna need some tissues. The front of the book is a picture of a huge oak tree in my parents backyard. There is a small white picket fence sitting at the edge of the tree and a painted wooden sunflower the reads "Welcome The Campbells." The book is a tribute to me but also to my dad. I could not even see the pages by the end, I was crying so hard. I was crying b/c obviously I miss my dad but I was crying of the fact that my husband took the time to put this book together. The pictures are beautiful. Theres one page with a note my mom wrote to my dad on the back of their wedding program. I could not believe the effort Andy had put into this, not that he doesn't do those kinds of things but that he knew what I needed, I needed that book. I wish I could post the book. I wish I could explain exactly how my husband makes me feel knowing he cares that I hurt and that he gave me this book I will cherish forever, not some dumb old painted kitchen. So the weekend continued and we celebrated Andy's birthday w/ family at a country chompin & stompin eatery. I have to say I really enjoyed myself. They even played Mary had a Little Lamb for Kai to dance to and dance he did. He got on the dance floor, swung his arms, laughed, and clapped. A guy asked me at one point "why is he laughing, why is he so happy?" I responded "he just is, he's like that 90% of the time." That makes me smile. I prayed that I would have a happy child and so far God has honored that prayer. Ok so back to the rest of the weekend (can you tell I'm a proud mama :). Sunday on our way home from church I was reading aloud an article from the HomeLife magazine. It was about a little boy who had a tumor on his brain and was going to need surgery. I couldn't finish the article. I was crying as I read it. I  put the magazine down and looked over and saw Andy crying. This brings me to WHY I LOVE MY HUSBAND and one of  the reason I'm willing to share with the public. My husband crys. He's not a sissy cryer (like me) but he is willing to cry and in front of me. I don't know of many who could read that article and not cry but I do know of many who would hide their tears. We do not. Andy has never once made me feel stupid for crying over anything. I love knowing my husband has a tender side. He IS man enough to show it. Thank you Andy for being the man who can show your emotions, who is willing to let me show mine and is still willing to stick by and for taking time to make me a gift that you know I will run back into my burning house to save. I love you for so many more reason (i.e. good times are abound with you around, you can laugh at yourself and gosh you're just so good looking). Happy 30th Birthday Mr. Hale
p.s. antique white will look great in my kitchen :)

Porch Talk

Alot of times when I think of my dad I think of him sitting on the front porch drinking a cup of coffee or rather a cup of caw-caw (as he would say). Over the past 3 months I have wrote down a few sayings that my dad was notorious for saying. These are just a few that I have thought of as I am doing things that remind me of him and he sayings. I've decided to call it Porch Talk. Thats when he did some of his best thinking, listening, reflecting, and of course talking.

"Kiss, Love, & Hug"- this is how he ended every conversation with my mom and myself.

"That was purdy good lil ole snack"- after every meal. It was hard to know if he truly liked the meal b/c he said this after every meal, so my guess would be he loved every meal :)

"Is annnybody home?! Here lee-zard, lee-zard, lee-zard"- this is how he entered his home. The "here lizard" is from a commercial, many years back. I can't for the life of me remember what the commercial was for but my dad found the little animal that says "here lizard" amusing so he started saying this.

"Lets roll!"- any time it was time to leave

He said that Jesus is coming back on a wednesday night. Why? B/c thats when people slack off & not attend church. My dad died on a wednesday while still dark.

The stated that there are 2 things people should do in their life 1. Accept Jesus Christ as their Lord & Savior. 2. See the Grand Canyon. He did both!

When he sneezed he would say "Achoo Matthew." We always knew a second sneeze was coming and then "And the others."

I learned from my dad that you can pick up a gallon of milk off the side of the road, drink it & survive. He actually did this and couldn't believe that me & my mom would not drink the milk with him.

He always told me to never criticize the person who signs my paycheck.

He ended every prayer with "And Bless America one more time." He loved his country.

This is just a few I have remembered. I hope to remember more b/c I know there is an abundance of them. I really miss hearing his voice and how he would mispronounce things on purpose. I think it became such a habit with him that niether he nor any of us noticed. Others probably thought he had a couple of screws loose, which could very well have been the case. No doubt when he entered those pearly white gates he was yelling "Is annnnybody home?!" but instead of "Here lee-zard, lee-zard, lee-zard" it was "Here Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

It is Well with My Soul/Come to Jesus

We were asked what song thru this trial in our life right now have we clung to. My mom said "It is well with my soul." So I had to do a little research. Although I already knew most of the story behind this haunting yet beautiful hymn I did not know the full story.

Horatio Spafford penned this hymn in 1873. Before in 1871, he and his wife Anna lost their four year old boy (only son) to scarlett fever. The same year Horatio lost all of his life savings in the Great Chicago Fire.  Two years later Horatio decided to take his wife and 4 daughters on a vacation to Europe. Some last minute business came up so he went ahead and sent his family over on the 'Ville de Havre' ship, he would follow in a few days. Nine days later Mr. Spafford received a telegram from his wife it stated "Saved Alone, what shall I do?" The ship had collided with a vessel and 226 lives were lost including all four of the Spafford daughters. Horatio immediately boarded a ship to go and be with his grieving wife. While en route the captain of the ship called Horatio to the bridge. The captain stated "A careful reckoning has been made, we are now passing the place where the 'de Havre' was wrecked." Horatio returned to his cabin and penned "When sorrow like sea billows roll, it is well with my soul." The story could end there but it doesn't. In 1881 the Spaffords with their 2 daughters moved to Jerusalem to spread the gospel of Christ. They started a group known as the "American Colony." Their cause was simple, to live like Christ lived. What a testimony.. In the midst of so much tradegy the Spaffords continued to praise the God of the universe.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
(refrain)

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(refrain)

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Listen to the words. Let them resonate in you. Let them comfort you. Let the God of the universe give you peace. Let Him be your guide. Understand that not your sin in part BUT all of your sin was nailed to the cross so that you do not have to carry it. Let God carry it, carry your burden, your sorrow, carry you. Imagine the day when all of our faith will become our sight. We will get to see our loved ones, our kingdom, our Jesus.

The song I would choose is called "Come to Jesus." It is by Chris Rice. I have searched everywhere trying to find why this song was written. I would think a song with such moving words would have to have a reason for being written. Much to my dismay I can't find any source that tells me why it was written. All I could come across was that the song is about turning to Jesus thru all of life's circumstances. I chose to show a video instead of just the words b/c I thought many of you may have never heard the song before. This particular video is very simple thats I why I chose it. I looked at many videos some very beautiful but the images took away from hearing the words. I like how this video emphasizes certain words by text, the most meaningful words. Again let this song, the words resonate within you, let it stir your soul, let Jesus do His work most of all come to Jesus if you haven't. Cry to Him, Sing to Him, Fall on Him, Dance for Him so that in the end you may Fly to Him.

I have a new BFF

Oh yes my friends I have a new bff. Ok well not really (oh and for those who are not aware bff is best friend forever), this new bff is more of an uninvited guest. You know the one, the one that just will not go away no matter how mean you are or nice for that matter, the guest just will not leave. My rude and uninvited guest is...grief. Grief has taken me on an unplanned journey and for those of you who know me I like plans. I like to know whats ahead, whats going on, well that is so not the case w/grief. This journey is the hardest trip I have ever been on. I'm exhausted. I want to exit the highway of grief, to leave it in the dust but I cannot do that. As much as I dislike my journey w/my uninvited guest I must complete it. There is no shortcut, or bypass, or plane ticket to get me there faster. Its over and under and through the thick foggy forest. What is it like living with grief? Let me try to explain what its like for me. From the moment I wake up grief is there with me. I am still in a state of disbelief, sadness, worry, hurt and brokenheartedness. The best description I can come up with for my grief is sensory overload. We're all familiar with the 5 senses: sight, hear, touch, smell and taste. I am overwhelmed by these, let me explain.
Smell- I never again will be able to smell my dad's workclothes. As a child I would open his closet & just take deep breaths. It was a mixture of oil, sweat and machinery ( I know, weird but I loved that smell). My dad never really sweated alot. I believe I got his sweat glands plus my own! So now every chance I get I breathe in Kai's smell and try to remember it. Never again will I smell him and the outside on him, here on earth.
Sight- "I see a pair of pretty blue eyes. What do you see?"My dad and I use to play this made up game. We would hold heads together, foreheads touching, look into each other's eyes and repeat the previous statement. This could go on for only a second or a few minutes. Never will I get to see those pretty blue eyes here on earth.
Hear- I'll never hear my dad's voice. He had a saying for almost any situation in life. Coming in the door was an event, when he sneezed he had a saying, he had a special saying to Kai. Never again will I hear "Sweetface," here on earth.
Taste- My dad could not cook. This might be a good thing to never have to endure again! :) Growing up I love to eat bologna. So naturally my dad & I had the "bologna dance." Whenever either one of us wanted a piece of bologna we would have to do the bologna dance. Now, this could consist of any kind of movement we were feeling at the time. As adult I no long like bologna but I'd eat entire case to be able to do the bologna dance with him one more time, here on earth.
Touch- This is probably the hardest. I know it is for my mom. Never again will I get to feel his lips kiss the top of my head or have his arms wrapped around me or have him come at me with "his 2 ton, 22 ton tickle tranchulas," (another game we had when I was growing up). Its heartbreaking to know that my child will never know his touch here on earth.
With all of that said grief for me is sensory overload which equals a maddening experience. I sometimes feel like I'm in a movie and everything around is moving. I'm standing completely still but all of my surroundings are moving and they begin to move faster and faster and faster. I have to take a minute and realize that I'm still suppose to be apart of that movement. That even though grief is an annoying uninvited guest its not me. It doesn't get to consume me. That I will take control and become a willing participate in life again. Its just here for a little while. How long? I wish I knew.
During one of our griefshare meetings we were given a pipe cleaner and told to shape it into what our grief feels like or looks like. During this session we were told if we're really struggling we need to go to the 3 S's. The Spirit (pray), the Source (bible), and the Saints (mentors). My mom shaped her pipe cleaner into a roller coaster. It had ups and downs. As she was sitting there looking at it and we were being encouraged to share what ours looked like and why, she noticed that her roller coaster looked like 3 S's. I firmly believe that was one of God's gentle nudges, letting my mom know "Hey I'm here and I haven't forgotten about you." My pipe cleaner looked a bit different. I first tied knots into mine. After that I shaped it into a heart. Since I could not break it I just took it into my hand and crumpled it up.
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:9

                                                              My mom's roller coaster of "S's"

                                                               My knotted balled up heart

What the world needs now, is love sweet love

How do I celebrate a day that recognizes love when my heart is broken? Well its tough but its been possible. I think about the wonderful husband that God gave me. That he allowed this man to look past my faults (although there are not many, hehe) & love me with  incredible passion. Andy can make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He is very affectionate. God knows I need someone like him as a husband so that I can learn to express my love & not care who knows it. I also think about the blessing of my baby boy, Kai. God knew that we would him and his sweet disposition in these trying months. He has been a comforting reminder that love is still around me. That although a piece of my heart is missing, a huge piece is wrapped up in Kai's smile. I think about my mom. A mother's love is unconditional. She loved me when I know I was a hard person to love (way back to those teenage years and maybe a few beyond :) God has surrounded me with loving friends & family. This has never been more evident than in the past 6 weeks. Their kindness and love have at times lifted me out of the pit. But again the question still remains, how can I possible celebrate love with a broken heart? GOD. I know God, my Heavenly Father loves me. As much as my earthly father loved me (and I know that was alot) it doesn't even compare to the love God has for me. Have you thought about how much God loves you? Its very easy to take the simple things, simple joys/pleasures in life for granted. We may even get to a point where we expect these things but what if you didn't have them. Take time to recognize your blessings. I know I need to. What's the greatest expresssion of love that God gave every one of us? Jesus. The great I AM loves us all so much that He gave His one and only Son. Now thats love. True love. God knew I would need a passionate & supportive husband. God knew I would need a son to comfort me. God knew that my mom would be my greatest earthly stronghold of faith & I would need that faith to help me. God knew that one day my dad would leave this earth & I would need all of these thing that He has supplied me with. Why? Because He loves me that much. He made sure I would have the love I needed for these tough days. In the book Crazy Love a elderly lady is quoted saying "I love love." Do I love love? Do I express God's love through my actions, my words, my thoughts. Sadly no, not always. Do you? God is love. He even wrote us love letters. In those letters He never promised me an easy life althoug He does promise to walk beside me. To hold me. To carry me. To love me. During this painful time in my life it is sometimes hard for me to feel God's love. But that is just a feeling. What I feel and what I know are 2 different things. Remember that God does love you. He cares deeply for all of us. No matter what we've done, what we've said or what we've thought God's love remains unconditional. So on this day of love I hope that I will remember to love my neighbor as myself b/c God sure does.
Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. Psalm 63:3.

Grand Man, Grand Canyon, & the Grand Finale

Its not surprising that my dad finally chose the name Grand for Kai to call him. We had started calling him Papa Name Change b/c every few days since Kai was born  he would hold up his finger & would announce "Name Change, Name Change." It started off as Opa but a younger cousin heard him say this and repeated what he thought he heard which was "Oprah," well needless to say that name got nixed right then and there. There were so many name changes I couldn't keep up; Papa Ug (we'll discuss that name at a later time), Pappy, Pop, so on & so forth. Finally around Nov. he announced w/his index finger raised "Name Change, Name Change, I want to be called 'Grand Man'." I liked it, he liked it, it stuck, very fitting. He had a grand presence. Not necessarily the loudest in the room or even the center of attention (although he was alot of the times) but just a presence that was, well...grand.

It was a dream of Grand's to see the Grand Canyon. When I was around junior high school age my dad hung a huge map of the United States on the wall in our den. Now if any of you know my mother this did not sit well w/her. This atrocious map was wreaking havoc on her decor. There are some things my mom prides herself on. 1. Never being seen w/o make-up on and 2. Having a place for everything in her house. So you can imagine that giant pastel colored paper map hanging on her wall was not well received. However, she allowed it to stay, maybe b/c she knew just how much my dad wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Over the course of the next few years my dad would find out about some off the beaten path location that we were just going to have to stop and see on our way to the Grand Canyon. He would add a push pin to the map. Before long there was more push pins than there are states. That became an adventure in itself. Unfortunately that trip never happened, finances, timing, nothing worked out so instead we would just take our annual family vacation to Myrtle Beach (which in no way I'm complaining about).  After retiring Grand took a part time job driving for a company that made express deliveries. I do believe this was his dream job. He actually said it wasn't a job b/c jobs are no fun. This was him having fun. He got to travel the states while getting paid.  Him and his brother (Uncle Corky) would do team runs every now & then.  Some of their adventures lead them to Niagara Falls, Canada, Oregon (they kissed the ground when they returned from this one),  the Rio Grande (which my dad was disappointed in), NYC & many more but never near the Grand Canyon, until Dec. 2010. Him & Uncle Corky got a call saying some tires needed to be delivered asap to...Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas! So they headed out. I remember very distinctively calling him and saying "Where you at?"
His reply " On the way to Las Vegas."
Me: "Huh? The real Las Vegas?!"
Him: " Is there a fake one I don't know about. Yes, Sweetface The Real Las Vegas."
Me: "Ok have fun. Don't gamble my inheritence away."
Him: "Well ok, I guess I won't."
I believe he ended up spending $36.00, there went my inheritence. :) Well being the adventurers they are, they figured since they're this close they should head over to the Grand Canyon.  Who knows if they'll ever be that close again. Pretty amazing, from what I was told.  I remember while he was on his trip my phone rang and his name showed up on the screen. I was in the middle of feeding/trying to get Kai to sleep so I just let it go to voicemail. Later when I listened to the message I could hear the excitement in his voice. He said "Hey Sweetface, its Me, Dad and I'm at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Kiss, Love, Hug." Oh how I wish I would have saved that message. Once my dad was in the hospital he told the doctor  "Doc, theres 2 things everyone should do w/their lives. Number 1 give their heart's to Jesus and Number 2 go see the Grand Canyon." Well my dad achieved both! I couldn't be more happy. He finally got to see one of God's greastest creations and now he is dwelling IN God's greastest creation WITH God's greatest creation, Jesus Christ. The following pictures were taken by my dad on his trip to the Grand Canyon.

                                                      My beloved Daddy

                                                             My daddy and his brother Corky

Gentle Nods & Smiles

Exactly 4 weeks ago I lost my dad. I awoke and did what I do every wednesday, got ready for work. Once I was up and semi-awake I kept repeating "joy will come in the morning, joy will come in the morning." One reason that this verse was so heavily in mind is b/c last night my mom and I started attending a support group. Its called Griefshare and although I've only been once I highly recommend it for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. We have  videos we watch, a workbook, and discussion. Before I attended I was cautioned by some that sometimes those sort of meetings can be downers. A group of people sitting around talking about how they feel & feeding off of each other's grief. This is nothing like that, its very structured & bibically based. The title of the entire experience is "A Journey from Mourning to Joy." Therefore the Psalm 30:5 kept playing over & over in my head. Now back to my morning. I stepped outside a little before 7am. It had rained the night before & I thought it was to rain all day as well. The very second & I mean the very second I stepped out my front door I immediately looked up to the sky. I could see the gray rain clouds still in the sky but just left to me, in the sky was a break & I could see light. Not exactly the sun but I knew from that small glimmer of light the sun was going to shine today. The clouds were continously moving, their presence still very much there but nevertheless slowly moving out of the way & allowing me to see some shine. Before I could even make it to my car I was praising God for that gentle comfort. That small nod & smile from Him to me. He simply said to me "I care, your joy will come, I promise." Now I realize that rain clouds moving out are a very common occurance but I also firmly believe that God uses ordinary every day occurances to get our attention. We just have to be ready & willing to see them. So pay attention, folks! The clouds have to eventually make way for the sun to be seen. For the sun is ALWAYS there, sometimes the clouds cover it but it is always there. Just like our Jesus the Son is ALWAYS there but sometimes our clouds of life, of grief cover Him.  Does this mean my joy has been restored? Absolutely not. I have already cried today just thinking of my dad not being here but  without a shadow of a doubt believe my joy and my mom's joy will return. He told me it would! "The Lord will do great things for me & I will be filled w/joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap w/ songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return w/ songs of joy, carry sheaves w/ me." Psalm 126: 3,5-6. Take my tears Lord & sow the seeds of Your Glory. Even in the midst of my pain I pray I will continue to believe in Your promises b/c I know You will restore my joy. Let my suffering not be in vain. Amen.

I'm a Hardened Criminal

The saturday after my dad's funeral I was sitting talking to a friend. I was explaining how I was just so angry. I just wanted to hit something, punch something, anything to release some of my anger. Little did I know a little mousey was lurking in the background listening to what I was saying. Later that day my cousin Melissa asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with her. My response was no. She said that she needed to show me something. Well my mind started spinning. What could she possibly show me in Clinton that I had not seen in my 30 plus years?! I agreed to go and so we set out to some unknown destination. We ended up at a ballpark. My other cousin Robin (Melissa's sister) was already in the parking lot waiting. What in the world did they have up their sleeves? So the next logical thing to do...blindfold me. Of course! Now I'm starting to fret just a bit. They led me thru the field or so I assumed. After walking what seemed like 10 mins. (apparently when I'm blindfolded I lose my sense of time) they put a ball bat in my hand and told me to swing. Really! Seriously! Alrighty then, I'll swing. I did...and nothing, just air. "Swing again" they yelled. Alright. So I swung as hard as I could. Crack! I had made contact with something. Well the blindfold was coming off, I had to see what I was aiming at. When I took it off there in front of me was a bleacher and lined up on it was drinking glasses. Different shapes, different heights, different sizes all there for me to demolish. Well I laid into them. Wham! Bam! Crack! I had no mercy. It was invigorating! I could just hear my dad rooting me on, "Come on babe, smash those things, aww a little girl could swing harder than that." I smashed and swung and smashed and swung until.... the po-po showed up. Thats right, the law had been called. Near the ballfield are some apartments, the majority of the occupants are...old. Someone made a phone call stating that some people (not sure if our gender was specified) were tearing up the bleachers. The officer that was sent of the scene of the "crime" had experienced a similar situation as myself. His response once he had be told the reason for the destruction was "carry on." We were responsible citizens and cleaned up all the pieces of glass, which took awhile but was so worth every piece. I realized that I have people in my life that care so much about me and me hurt. I also realized that I have many people watching me, seeing how I am going to respond to this tradegy. I pray that through my journey of hurt, pain, sorrow, yet survival that God's glory will shine through me so much so that people will have to take notice that its only God that could be doing this. I hope I rise to the challenge God has laid out before me. I do not know what it is yet and I may never truly understand but I hope and pray that I'm a willing participator. I know its not going to be easy maybe not even fun at times but I do know that God is with me always because the Bible tells me so. That little childs song has never rang more true.  Psalm 34:18 tells us that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I know this is true because I have been brokenhearted for 3 weeks now yet I know that God has had His comforting arms wrapped around me the entire time. Thats not to say I don't ache with pain, cry tears of sadness, and question why but I know God can and will handle it all. Even me becoming a criminal :)

What Fuels Me

What has fueled me to start a blog? Well aside from all the NOS drinks :) I've had some dramatic changes in my life to occur in less than a year. I have said for years that I wanted to start a blog but never did. I did not feel that I could express myself with words well enough to make someone, anyone interested in what as on my mind. But like I said life changed for me on January 5, 2011.

Let me back up just a bit though. On May 7th, 2010 my life changed for the better. My husband and I welcomed our precious baby boy Kai Andrew Paul into this wild and crazy world. I quickly realized that I was no longer Summer, I was Kai's mama. I loved this squirmy bundle of bliss but at times I would be screaming on the inside. I was screaming "Lord what was you thinking, giving me this child, this responsibility!" And mind you, Kai was and is an easy going baby. But as with all things after I calmed down and listened to a voice of reason (usually my husband's) I realized I was pretty decent at this mothering thing. I mean, I had only forgot him once so far.....kidding. I wanted to start blogging once I had Kai. I wanted to let him know how much we loved him, how much our lives had changed but yet again I had excuse after excuse not to start. Well January 5, 2011 happened and I no longer had an excuse not to, all I could think was I've got to get things wrote down.

On Jan. 5 I lost my dad, Randy Campbell. Thats it, thats the only way I know how to start this paragraph. Thats how I felt; just a statement, that was there, left hanging in the air. I could not process what I was being told, what I was living. I was in someone else's nightmare and any minute I was going to wake up. That did not happen, that still has not happen. Its my nightmare and I'm having to live it.  I am heartbroken. I am empty. I am done. So this is how and why I am now blogging. To help me deal with my loss, to get my feelings out or else I will explode but most importantly to let my baby Kai know what his Grand was all about, to let him know how much his Grand loved him and just how much his Grand was and is loved.

There will be posts about other aspects of our lives but for now, this is my life. As sad and as hard as it is for me, its my life. I've got to accept it, learn from it, grow and help others, maybe, hopefully. One of my favorite qoutes: "Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen. Do not be afraid." Thats what I got to keep telling myself, do not be afraid.